‘Envy signals to us our goals,’ as we tend to envy people similar to ourselves compared to superstars. Photograph: Shannon Fagan/Getty Images View image in fullscreen ‘Envy signals to us our goals,’ as we tend to envy people similar to ourselves compared to superstars. Photograph: Shannon Fagan/Getty Images Well actually Sin or virtue? How envy can actually be helpful In her new book, Envy, Stacy Kim explains how to understand the feeling, identify your deeper desires and use them to achieve your goals
In the 16th-century poem The Faerie Queene, envy is a ghoulish figure riding a ravenous wolf, sad to see the fortune of others and “wonderous glad” of their hardship. It’s not a flattering depiction; better to be thankful for what we have, rather than dwell on such a bitter and self-destructive feeling, right?
Maybe not. “I think that when we don’t examine our envy, that’s when it leads us astray,” says Dr Stacy Kim, social scientist, life coach and author of the new book Envy: Why Wanting What They Have is the Key to Getting What You Want. Kim wrote the book after seeing the way envy came up for her coaching clients and reflecting on the role it had in her own life. The book is informed by social science and philosophy research, as well as her personal and professional experiences.
To Kim, a lifelong envier who says sibling rivalry propelled her to fast-track a PhD in educational policy and leadership, envy tells you “there’s something important here,” Kim says. “Envy signals to us our goals,” as well as “what is within our reach”, as we tend to envy people similar to ourselves more so than, say, superstars.
View image in fullscreen Illustration: Courtesy of Balance But how to transform envy from sulky to superpower? Kim gave us some points to consider.
Envy is “simply wanting something that someone else has”, Kim says. “Everyone envies – it’s normal.”
Yet it comes in different forms. In 2009, Dutch researchers explored and formalized the concepts of “malicious” and “benign” envy. Malicious envy happens “when you are so focused on the person that has what you want” and you want to “take them down”, like the evil queen who hoped to kill Snow White, explains Kim. Benign envy, however, is more like admiration-meets-motivation: it helps you “focus on what it is that you want”, Kim says, rather than sabotage.
Jealousy, meanwhile, is a whole different ballpark. It usually involves three parties and the threat of losing a special status or relationship to another person.
Next comes what Kim calls “probably the most important part of the examination”: looking past the thing you covet to the “intangible desire” buried deep within. It’s often not so much the object you’re craving but “the feeling you think you’re going to get” when you acquire or achieve it, she says. Kim’s envy of people with bigger apartments, for instance, “is really not just about the apartment”, but rather a desire for a calm, uncluttered home.
Once you’ve named the deeper desire, you can look for alternative routes to fulfill it. For Kim, that might mean spending “more time decluttering”. If you have a goal that is out of reach, be creative; if you have a pang of envy watching a 20-year-old ballet dancer but you’re 42 and have never taken a class, you might be interested in being able to move more confidently in your own body. An adult beginner dance course could help with that. If you envy the young, you can access the feeling of a promising new life experience by…