Mike McNally circa 1965. Photograph: Courtesy of Mike McNally View image in fullscreen Mike McNally circa 1965. Photograph: Courtesy of Mike McNally A moment that changed me Mental health A moment that changed me: I had a panic attack on public transport – and it led me to a horrifying secret For a decade I lived with a fear so bad that I once tried to climb out of a tube carriage while it was in motion. Then a hypnotherapist told me to ask my parents one very important question
Prefer the Guardian on Google I n 2000, I had been living in London for just over a decade and working at EMI Records for five years. I had moved to Brixton from Surrey – where space and peace were generally abundant – in the late 80s, and I’d noticed I was becoming increasingly anxious and claustrophobic, particularly on public transport.
As things got progressively worse, I had a string of distressing panic attacks. Every time, it felt like the world around me was closing in. Then, in July 2003, during my daily commute between Brixton and the South Bank, I had a panic attack so intense I tried to climb out of the tube carriage doors. Thankfully, other passengers held me back until we arrived at the next platform – but I knew the problem was no longer something I could ignore.
The following year, my GP referred me to a hypnotherapist. During regression hypnotherapy sessions, I would sit on a chair, close my eyes and feel as if I was falling back through time to different points in my life. After three months of retracing old memories, my therapist asked me plainly if I had ever been in a train crash. “No, I think I’d know if I’d been in a train crash,” I said, slightly taken aback. Despite my insistence, she asked if I would double-check with my parents next time I saw them, in case I had been too young to remember.
During my daily commute, passengers had to stop me trying to climb out of the tube carriage doors When I returned to my family home the next weekend, I did as my therapist had requested. To my disbelief, my parents looked at each other for a second before admitting that I had, in fact, been involved in a train accident as a child.
It was 4 September 1965 and, at four years old, I was returning home from a trip with my grandmother to Ireland, where we’d spent the summer with other relatives. We had taken the ferry from Dublin to Holyhead in Wales, then boarded a train to London. As we sat waiting to depart, another passenger train entered the platform and crashed into us. Our train was thrown a few feet backwards, lifting the carriage off its framework and trapping us inside. My grandmother and I were both unharmed but we were squashed together in the September heat amid rising panic, with other passengers seriously injured around us.
My parents said they had tried to talk to me afterwards about what had happened, but I would only scream and run away. Not wanting to upset me further, they stopped talking about it entirely.
View image in fullscreen McNally: ‘With my therapist, I developed the tools I needed to stop living in fear.’ Photograph: Courtesy of Mike McNally The conversation with my mum and dad changed everything. I suddenly had clarity about the source of more than a decade’s worth of fear and panic. It explained why I had struggled with boarding trains, planes and sometimes even a car. Every time I found myself in a situation where I felt trapped or stuck, my brain had subconsciously taken me back to the crash, despite having no con…