I can’t afford a tutor to help my daughter get into grammar school. Will she still fulfil her potential?

Illustration: Alex Mellon/The Guardian View image in fullscreen Illustration: Alex Mellon/The Guardian Ask Annalisa Barbieri Family I can’t afford a tutor to help my daughter get into grammar school. Will she still fulfil her potential? You may be projecting your own school experience on to your daughter, but her needs are different and she has you to support her

Annalisa Barbieri Sun 21 Jun 2026 07.00 CEST Share Prefer the Guardian on Google I have two children aged eight and four. My eight-year-old is very bright . She’s in year 3 and doing year 6 maths . Her state school has large classes and limited resources, so I challenge her by doing fun maths at home. I wanted to try getting her into a grammar school (our local state secondaries do not get good results ), but lots of local parents pay for their children to have private tutor s , which I can’t afford .

I fear my children will be penalised and stuck in a cycle of not fulfilling their potential. This hits personally because I was diagnosed with dyslexia in my 20s after underachieving and disciplinary issues at school. I could be projecting my baggage and putting unnecessary pressure on my children to do better than me . But I feel sad and hopeless at the unfairness of this issue in the education system , and the way the rich will always outrun the poor. Sometimes I wonder if there is any point in trying for something better.

I work hard in a job I love and my salary is OK, but it is unlikely I will ever earn much more. I feel like this now when they are so young, so I think it will only get worse as they get older.

Your line about projecting hit the nail on the head. Your children know nothing yet of jobs, education or achievement. Their needs now are different from what you perceive them to be. Are you right to think about their future? Absolutely. But let’s take a step back.

I went to UKCP registered psychotherapist Sarah Kane, who felt you might be “trying to correct the imbalance you felt in your own childhood. I imagine you felt alienation and shame when you were punished unfairly at school, perhaps even labelled as a disobedient or defiant child. That feels very unfair. But the big difference is that your children have you. The lack of support you suffered may be feeding into your need to offer maximum support now.”

It’s good to separate our own needs, fears and wants from those of our children, which are often very different. What was going on for you at the age your daughter is now? Sometimes things buried deep can be reactivated.

“I’m curious,” continued Kane, “who the maths challenges are fun for. Do you find them fun but feel under pressure to do them? If so you may be removing all the fun for both of you.”

There’s so much more to school than education. It’s where children learn about making friends, negotiating their needs, playing and socialising Kane also pointed out that you use “maximising language, such as ‘we will be stuck’; ‘not fulfilling potential’; ‘the rich will always outrun the poor’. When you respond to a situation with maximising language, it can seem futile, insurmountable. Plus, using ‘what if’ statements tends to create anxiety. Rather try using ‘what is’ statements. And what is happening is that your child is bright and you enjoy helping her with learning. There’s so much more to be gained from school than just education. It’s where children learn about making friends, negotiating their needs, playing and socialising as well.”